Dear Sir,
It is with great regret to inform you that I believe I have killed your cat by accident yesterday evening. I am dreadfully sorry about this. It happened when I was reversing my ride-on lawnmower out of my garage to get better access to the blades underneath which needed sharpening. I believe the recent humid weather has had an extreme blunting effect on mild steel. I think I will attempt to temper the metal the next time they need sharpening, lowering their need for maintenance, and thus, creating fewer chances to inadvertently dispatch neighborhood creatures.
Until yesterday I was not aware that you even owned a cat, but upon close inspection of the cat's remains, it bares an uncanny resemblance to your good self, so I am without doubt to the identity of its owner. I would be delighted to return the cat's body to you at your soonest convenience. If you would rather deal with the remains on your own, you can find them in the ditch, next to Frank Tanner's gate (to the left had side). You can't miss it, it's just behind a clump of nettles (I also marked the spot with an old choc-ice wrapper I saw lying around).
The cat's body was in quite good condition the last time I saw it and I'm sure if you retrieved it quickly it will still be good enough to have it stuffed. By co-incidence, my wife's cousin is a very well trained taxidermist and if you wish I can give you his number. I will, of course, ask for you to receive a modest discount (it is the least I can do).
Again, I am very sorry about all this. Rest assured your cat did not suffer at all during the incident. I was very quick to dispatch it with a nearby length of garden hose when I saw its face trapped under one of my wheels.
If there is anything else I can help you with, please let me know!
Kind regards,
George Chaversmith.
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